TO YOU | 22.12.15

To you, 

I wish the pain that was caused in your life wasn't real. 

I wish the pain that caused you to change our lives never occurred. 

Each day, each month and each year passes where I still don't understand why. 

As I get older, I learn more everyday. 

I learn that the pain you dealt with every day was something I would never wish on anybody. 

I wish that you were still apart of our lives, even if it was only a little. 

I can still picture your tanned skin, your white teeth and your big smile. 

I can still hear your voice nd the way you would laugh.

I remember the memories of being young, new years eve and you taking us by the Sydney Harbor Bridge to see the fire works. 

I still have the memories. 

I still have the memory of being told you were gone. 

I didn't understand.

I'll never understand. 

I will never begin to forgive the reason you went away. 

I will never begin to understand the pain you felt. 

I am sorry. 

I am sorry that we could never help you. 

I am sorry that you felt no other option. 

I love you. 

Always. 

EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS | 19.12.15

"No matter how painful distance can be, not having you in my life would be worse" 

Christmas growing up was always such an exciting day. I loved all the food and presents. My parents always made sure christmas was one day of the year where the day was literally magic. I always loved seeing my family and we always had a huge lunch and life was great. It was always so hot that the day was spent with wet cloths over us or in the swimming pool. 

This year is going to be a tad different. I did not really consider it before i left. I guess it was such a "long" time away until christmas so it wasn't really a thought when processing the choices of leaving. Now when I say this, now that I'm older christmas isn't as much for me as it use to be. I still love the tree, the lights and the happiness it brings but this year, its not the same. 

I could have all the gifts I want but theres nothing like waking up christmas morning to your family. This year will be different. I won't be in my home. I won't be with my family. I appreciate though, what they do for me all year round. I appreciate the effort and time they put into my happiness. It may be a difficult time of year but I know I can do this. 

I missed out on our family lunch recently. I am missing out on quiet a bit being away but I'm happy. Im overall happy. I can't thank the people I met here more because of that. They are the reason that everyday I can get up and process my thoughts. No one really makes you aware of the true pain that comes along with being so far away but for those who are reading this and may choose to move away or follow a career, relationship or just life choice, know that each day is a blessing. Its okay to be sad or hurting but you will get through it and it will ease. 

Overall just spend time with people who care. Find those in your life that make you feel like you can tackle life front on and you may come up bruised and sore but its okay. 

This year due to plans changing and fate taking a different path, christmas won't be the same. Thats okay. I am not going to say I'm going to be "alone" because there will be people around but i will not be "celebrating" christmas this year. 

Christmas day will be another day for me this year and thats okay. I have been extremely blessed with 20 years of beautiful christmas days. Those are the memories i will keep not this one.

EMBRACE | 12.12.15

" Theres nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...." 

- John Lennon 

Somedays I wake up and have to re-inform my self where I am, what I'm doing with life and where i've been. I am a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason". I believe that no matter what your circumstance, bad or good, you have a purpose. I think as humans, negativity is such a big part of lives. I, myself, am guilty of looking at certain situations in such a negative way, when i should be looking at what positives may come out of it. I have started asking myself, oh what good can come out of this moment or day?

Today, I was sitting at the local Starbucks doing some writing an i kind of looked up, seen how busy it was and was like wow, when did it get so busy in here? Its amazing how easy we can tune out of the moment. I also think, as humans, we do this in life. Its easy to loose purpose and stop embracing it. Its easy to tune out and ignore the road in front of you. It could be the fact you know its going to be a hard road or its a road you prefer not to take, but remember that this road is placed in front of you for a reason.

Every road that life throws in front of you should be a positive. Every road is a way for you to form, you. Look back at all the struggles you have gone through? would you change some? of course. But the question is, would you be the person you are today if you didn't go through those struggles? Its only been recently where i've started changing the way i see things but, its changed my life.

You make your day the way it needs to be. Yes, there is people out there that intend on just making life hard but tomorrows a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Tomorrow is a new page in your book of life.

Never regret a moment or a memory, embrace them. 

THOUGHTS | 3.12.15

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking" - Albert Einstein

In today's society, processing the thoughts of people can be hard for others. You wonder why someone does what they do, think what they do or say what they do. But, when you consider your own thoughts, its not until you say them out loud, you realize that how different they can be and you start to realize why you actually have those thoughts. A thought pattern is built on opinion or feelings. These thoughts normally form from something that may happen, something you may read, see or listen to. In today's society, their is so many views on what your meant to be, do with your life or what your meant to achieve. 

Everyday society has a new expectation that your meant to obey and achieve. 

Everyday i learn something new. I am in a new country, new town, new community. Coming here, I was still finding me. I will still trying to work out where i fit in, what i was meant to be doing with life and who was i meant to fill my life with. I learnt, slowly, that life is what you make it. It took me awhile to remember that its okay that i am not the same as everyone else.. I cant even say that the last 3 months has changed my thought process, its been the last week. 

My thought process and the way i look at life has changed dramatically in a week. Its like a found "peace" with me. In the last week, i've finally accepted my past, my struggles but most of all me. 

It took a particular moment in my life to redirect me but i've found it. I haven't felt more than positivity and happiness since the moment i accepted myself. I believe by accepting myself, I'm accepting what i'm meant to do with my life. I truly cant explain the changes but I know I was put on this earth to change lives. I know that my goals in life will be accomplished by believing in who I am becoming. 

“Lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at you.”

- David Brinkley

The day you accept yourself is the day you accept your past, struggles and most of all future. Its the day you find the beginning of a life you can direct. It is becoming a part of a society that consist of you. You can accept yourself more, if you accept thats it is ok being alone.. The best company you can have is your own. 

BEING THANKFUL | 1.12.15

A year from now you will wish you had started today. 

- Karen Lamb

Today is the day I stop worrying about the past and focus on the now. 

Today, I have been here 12 weeks. To me its flown by and to some its staggered. I will say there has been some days where life feels like its not going my way and its only recently that I've realized that, I'm okay. In the last 12 weeks, my life has changed more than i could ever "planned" for it too... At the moment, I'm like what is life? It was only 2 nights ago that i fully realized how blessed i truly am to be given this opportunity to become ME. 

Truthfully, I lost myself for a awhile... I knew what my dreams, goals and aspirations were but i had excuses. Now I don't. 

Coming here, was one of the hardest, strongest, bravest, scariest thing in my life. But i wake up and I realize by me being here, Im becoming me. This year, will teach me things i could never have learnt in 12 months back home. This year, will continue to bring the best out of me. This year, will bring me life friends. I know that this year will continue to have its hard days. But I'm changing my attitude and only being thankful for what i have. When i look at my life, i know that i can only go up. 

I had an experience recently that like hit me. It wasn't something i thought would affect me the way it did... In saying it affected me, it was only for the better. Its like i found something that i was really missing in my life. It wasn't a friend or guy, it was something inside me. Something that i don't know how to really explain? Life is changing for me everyday and with it thriving with positivity, I'm okay that i have no control. 

Sometimes in life, its about letting fate take you where your meant to be. 

For those who are in my everyday life, thank you. 

For those family members who love me everyday, thank you. 

For the people who have formed the person i am today, thank you. 

For those who gave me struggles, thank you. 

For those who get me through the struggles, thank you. 

For those who fought for my freedom, thank you. 

For those who stand by me, thank you.

For those around the world who read my blog, thank you. 

For those who watch over me, everyday. I can't say thank you like i wish i could. I hope your watching over me as i write this and know that I love you and I miss you. I hope that, in whatever way, I am making you proud and continue to make you proud. I hope you continue to watch over those I love. 

My biggest goal, My daily goal in life; is to make those who love and support me, proud. If i can do that, Im succeeding.