An unexpected departure.

“The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving.”

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I had this all planned out in my head. You know when you prepare in your head how to tell someone something and then you go to say it and you're blank?  that has been myself for a few weeks. My head has literally been in a different universe. All for understandable reasons but I feel like i'm becoming more of myself everyday. I think the hardest part of grieving is re living the pain each day but also, being alone. I am surrounded by people who are great but its not the same as having my family. I guess when you chose to move away from family, you choose to go through struggles alone. Though, I have been extremely blessed how amazing my family is. They have been there everyday, every step and every struggle. They haven't given up.

February 15 2016

In all honesty I can't even remember what even took place earlier in the day. I think thats because it literally wasn't important. I was on holidays, house to myself and I literally spent 5 hours at Starbucks. Fast forward to early evening I got into to the car, drove my friend home; which i did on a regular basis; and made my way home. 

I had no idea that within 30 minutes, I would never be the same again.

I was driving along listening to "You Raise Me Up - Westlife" singing my heart out. I had been following the same car for a little. Before i knew it a car had slid and flipped. My memory of how all this occurred is blurry. The next thing I remember is without hesitation I am safely pulled over, conversing with another man who pulled over about what the next step was. He started calling 911 and I ran over to whoever was in the car. At this stage, adrenaline was kicking. First of all I looked into the back seat looking for a child; thankfully there was no child. As I was looking, in the back I realized the woman in the car, was trying to remove herself. As this happened, I heard the man behind me say "don't let her move" so i got underneath her and held her. We talked. I never asked her name, I found that out later, her name was Kate. LadyK is her name for me. I spoke with her briefly, mostly telling her to keep her eyes open and that I was there. That there was help on the way and I moved the hair away from her face.

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” 

- Woody Allen 

I remember looking over at the man who was still on the phone, I asked what we could do. He said we have to wait and I look down and realize LadyK has her eyes closed. I was like "hey open your eyes!" but she didn't move. That was the moment my heart entirely broke. This is the moment I learnt what death can bring. Before this, I hadn't even pictured myself in a situation as such so to think that this was happening right at this moment, was unbelievable. Why me? Why right now? What did i do to let this happen.

I am not ready to let this women die.