An unexpected departure.

“The greatest thing in this world is not so much where we stand as in what direction we are moving.”

- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I had this all planned out in my head. You know when you prepare in your head how to tell someone something and then you go to say it and you're blank?  that has been myself for a few weeks. My head has literally been in a different universe. All for understandable reasons but I feel like i'm becoming more of myself everyday. I think the hardest part of grieving is re living the pain each day but also, being alone. I am surrounded by people who are great but its not the same as having my family. I guess when you chose to move away from family, you choose to go through struggles alone. Though, I have been extremely blessed how amazing my family is. They have been there everyday, every step and every struggle. They haven't given up.

February 15 2016

In all honesty I can't even remember what even took place earlier in the day. I think thats because it literally wasn't important. I was on holidays, house to myself and I literally spent 5 hours at Starbucks. Fast forward to early evening I got into to the car, drove my friend home; which i did on a regular basis; and made my way home. 

I had no idea that within 30 minutes, I would never be the same again.

I was driving along listening to "You Raise Me Up - Westlife" singing my heart out. I had been following the same car for a little. Before i knew it a car had slid and flipped. My memory of how all this occurred is blurry. The next thing I remember is without hesitation I am safely pulled over, conversing with another man who pulled over about what the next step was. He started calling 911 and I ran over to whoever was in the car. At this stage, adrenaline was kicking. First of all I looked into the back seat looking for a child; thankfully there was no child. As I was looking, in the back I realized the woman in the car, was trying to remove herself. As this happened, I heard the man behind me say "don't let her move" so i got underneath her and held her. We talked. I never asked her name, I found that out later, her name was Kate. LadyK is her name for me. I spoke with her briefly, mostly telling her to keep her eyes open and that I was there. That there was help on the way and I moved the hair away from her face.

“I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.” 

- Woody Allen 

I remember looking over at the man who was still on the phone, I asked what we could do. He said we have to wait and I look down and realize LadyK has her eyes closed. I was like "hey open your eyes!" but she didn't move. That was the moment my heart entirely broke. This is the moment I learnt what death can bring. Before this, I hadn't even pictured myself in a situation as such so to think that this was happening right at this moment, was unbelievable. Why me? Why right now? What did i do to let this happen.

I am not ready to let this women die.

5 Month Update | 7.2.16

Where have I been? 

Life is crazy. Lets be real time is flying! Well for me. Not so much those around me. I can't believe it's already the 5 month mark of me leaving Australia. The changes in my whole world have been unique. I have experienced so much in such a short amount of time. In all honesty, I am still blown away that I am sitting here in New York writing this blog post. I feel like I just wrote my first blog post on here so so so many months ago. Life has a crazy way of taking time and I am losing track of my every days! It is scary to think, I may be home in just 7 months. hm, what?! 

Since I last posted, I have traveled. I have seen snow. I have built more friendships. I have lost. I have gained but most of all, I have learnt. I can't believe how much I learn, every single day. So many simple things I would of never learnt if I didn't pay the attention I do. 

Sickness has been my weakness this winter! 

I have been really sick which I am getting over faster than I thought I would. I spent some time in the american emergency room and lets just say, that was interesting! Its very similar to the aussie system. Its slow. Its boring but god, its expensive. Not the initial visit since I have insurance but just overall, medication is just way over the top! 

On to a positive note, I learnt something new. This is something I honestly didn't think I would pick up so easily but I have enjoyed learning! 

Que Se Ilene Tu Casa - Ingrid Rosario

As you can see, this isn't in english. I have an explanation for that which I will inform you guys of the change in that! But this song is in spanish. I have learnt, every word. I have spent hours studying and trying to get the pronunciation perfect. I can finally say, I have nailed it. 

The excitement of being able to sing something in a whole different language is exciting to me. A lot will be explained in the next blog post I intend on uploading but Im having fun. Im learning. I am achieving and honestly thats all I could ever ask for. 

There is another big update that I haven't necessarily discussed with many. For the reason being I am still figuring it out for myself but this journey I am taking I know is the right one.

Anyways! In all honesty, no regrets. Im happy. I have met incredible people. I have changed my life. I changed my outlook. I changed comfort zones. Im overall succeeding. 

I believe this is really only my beginning. My journey is going strong. Stay tuned. Who knows what could come next? I am ready! 

Codie x 

A caterpillar to a butterfly | 2016

Change

I like to begin every post with sharing the purpose of why I am writing about the topic or situation but I believe when you read this, no title is necessary. The words I will write are words of truth. The words I write today are those of change. The words I write will show the transformation of a caterpillar to a butterfly. That caterpillar being me. 

When I look back to myself this time last year, I see the same face but I don't recognize it. I don't recognize the person I was 12 months ago. How crazy is that? It's not that i've changed the way I look, dress or present my self. Its the way my whole life has formed. 12 months ago I didn't have direction. I didn't have goals that I believe now were achievable. I had me and me, wasn't good enough. 

Changing my direction and thoughts formed me into a person that will never return to the past. In saying all this, I wasn't a bad person. I never thought of my self as a bad person but neither does a caterpillar but it changes into a butterfly. But, for what reason? Why does anyone feel the need to change? 

I believe my change happened the moment I stepped onto the plane to come here. A near 5 months ago. Why is the moment of me stepping on the plane, tapping the side and looking up so memorable to me? I remember the face of the flight staff who said good morning to me. I remember the seat I sat in. I remember feeling like my whole life had changed. I hadn't even left the country. I hadn't even left the tar mat. But, I had left my comfort. I had said goodbye. There was no turning back. 

The change didn't occur straight away. My friends now who met me when I first arrived have noticed the change. Lets be real here, moving to the other side of the world is going to change you. But, without sounding full of myself, its been for the better.

The moment I truly realized how much my life has changed is the moment I realized that no matter where I am or what I am doing, fear isn't evident. I am not afraid of life. I am not afraid of the journey I am on. I believe in myself. I know I can make the choices that need to be made to successfully get to where I need to be. I have finally accepted mistakes are going to happen, heartache is going to take place but its how I approach those moments, is what changes my outlook and what has changed my life. 

A lot of change has taken place due to the people that have come into my life with in the time of being here. Its not what I expected. I have found a foundation here. I have found stability, happiness but most of all, life friendships. When you move away from every body in your life, there is you. Thats it. You have people supporting you and your decisions but physically, you're it. 

You have to form your new beginnings. Alone.

In saying alone, I mean physically. You don't have someone physically there to hug, kiss or cry too. You've got a screen in between you and your world. Until you build your foundation, its you. If you can get through that, you can achieve the world. The feeling of achieving those days, however long it may take is worth it.

When I met my best friend here, I wasn't looking for it. I walked into a Starbucks. I walked into get a coffee and walked out with one of the most valuable persons in my life. To learn about a new person after knowing the same people for so many years. I felt comfort instantly. There is no regret or doubt in my decision to open my life to these people around me. 

There is multiple people I could name who have changed my life in a way, I would never be able to write about. All in their own ways. All in their own unique personalities. I have connections all over the world. I will never be alone. 

I will never regret the change that I have accepted in my life. I have found me. I have found a sense of belonging in a time I never expected. I found a home. It may never be my home. But its as close it can get. It may not be four walls and a roof. Its a family. 

You change your life, by changing your heart. 

I have changed my heart. I have changed my home. I have changed my direction. I have changed my beliefs. I have changed my friendships. I have changed my way of life. I have changed my whole life.  

I have no regrets. I have determination. 

I believe my life is changing because it is preparing. Preparing for a new beginning and a new path in a direction that will bring health and happiness. I believe that no matter what we do, no matter the way we think. We will change. 

Just like a caterpillar changes to a butterfly. 

TO YOU | 22.12.15

To you, 

I wish the pain that was caused in your life wasn't real. 

I wish the pain that caused you to change our lives never occurred. 

Each day, each month and each year passes where I still don't understand why. 

As I get older, I learn more everyday. 

I learn that the pain you dealt with every day was something I would never wish on anybody. 

I wish that you were still apart of our lives, even if it was only a little. 

I can still picture your tanned skin, your white teeth and your big smile. 

I can still hear your voice nd the way you would laugh.

I remember the memories of being young, new years eve and you taking us by the Sydney Harbor Bridge to see the fire works. 

I still have the memories. 

I still have the memory of being told you were gone. 

I didn't understand.

I'll never understand. 

I will never begin to forgive the reason you went away. 

I will never begin to understand the pain you felt. 

I am sorry. 

I am sorry that we could never help you. 

I am sorry that you felt no other option. 

I love you. 

Always. 

EMBRACING THE HOLIDAYS | 19.12.15

"No matter how painful distance can be, not having you in my life would be worse" 

Christmas growing up was always such an exciting day. I loved all the food and presents. My parents always made sure christmas was one day of the year where the day was literally magic. I always loved seeing my family and we always had a huge lunch and life was great. It was always so hot that the day was spent with wet cloths over us or in the swimming pool. 

This year is going to be a tad different. I did not really consider it before i left. I guess it was such a "long" time away until christmas so it wasn't really a thought when processing the choices of leaving. Now when I say this, now that I'm older christmas isn't as much for me as it use to be. I still love the tree, the lights and the happiness it brings but this year, its not the same. 

I could have all the gifts I want but theres nothing like waking up christmas morning to your family. This year will be different. I won't be in my home. I won't be with my family. I appreciate though, what they do for me all year round. I appreciate the effort and time they put into my happiness. It may be a difficult time of year but I know I can do this. 

I missed out on our family lunch recently. I am missing out on quiet a bit being away but I'm happy. Im overall happy. I can't thank the people I met here more because of that. They are the reason that everyday I can get up and process my thoughts. No one really makes you aware of the true pain that comes along with being so far away but for those who are reading this and may choose to move away or follow a career, relationship or just life choice, know that each day is a blessing. Its okay to be sad or hurting but you will get through it and it will ease. 

Overall just spend time with people who care. Find those in your life that make you feel like you can tackle life front on and you may come up bruised and sore but its okay. 

This year due to plans changing and fate taking a different path, christmas won't be the same. Thats okay. I am not going to say I'm going to be "alone" because there will be people around but i will not be "celebrating" christmas this year. 

Christmas day will be another day for me this year and thats okay. I have been extremely blessed with 20 years of beautiful christmas days. Those are the memories i will keep not this one.

EMBRACE | 12.12.15

" Theres nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be...." 

- John Lennon 

Somedays I wake up and have to re-inform my self where I am, what I'm doing with life and where i've been. I am a huge believer in "everything happens for a reason". I believe that no matter what your circumstance, bad or good, you have a purpose. I think as humans, negativity is such a big part of lives. I, myself, am guilty of looking at certain situations in such a negative way, when i should be looking at what positives may come out of it. I have started asking myself, oh what good can come out of this moment or day?

Today, I was sitting at the local Starbucks doing some writing an i kind of looked up, seen how busy it was and was like wow, when did it get so busy in here? Its amazing how easy we can tune out of the moment. I also think, as humans, we do this in life. Its easy to loose purpose and stop embracing it. Its easy to tune out and ignore the road in front of you. It could be the fact you know its going to be a hard road or its a road you prefer not to take, but remember that this road is placed in front of you for a reason.

Every road that life throws in front of you should be a positive. Every road is a way for you to form, you. Look back at all the struggles you have gone through? would you change some? of course. But the question is, would you be the person you are today if you didn't go through those struggles? Its only been recently where i've started changing the way i see things but, its changed my life.

You make your day the way it needs to be. Yes, there is people out there that intend on just making life hard but tomorrows a new day. Tomorrow is a new beginning. Tomorrow is a new page in your book of life.

Never regret a moment or a memory, embrace them. 

THOUGHTS | 3.12.15

"The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking" - Albert Einstein

In today's society, processing the thoughts of people can be hard for others. You wonder why someone does what they do, think what they do or say what they do. But, when you consider your own thoughts, its not until you say them out loud, you realize that how different they can be and you start to realize why you actually have those thoughts. A thought pattern is built on opinion or feelings. These thoughts normally form from something that may happen, something you may read, see or listen to. In today's society, their is so many views on what your meant to be, do with your life or what your meant to achieve. 

Everyday society has a new expectation that your meant to obey and achieve. 

Everyday i learn something new. I am in a new country, new town, new community. Coming here, I was still finding me. I will still trying to work out where i fit in, what i was meant to be doing with life and who was i meant to fill my life with. I learnt, slowly, that life is what you make it. It took me awhile to remember that its okay that i am not the same as everyone else.. I cant even say that the last 3 months has changed my thought process, its been the last week. 

My thought process and the way i look at life has changed dramatically in a week. Its like a found "peace" with me. In the last week, i've finally accepted my past, my struggles but most of all me. 

It took a particular moment in my life to redirect me but i've found it. I haven't felt more than positivity and happiness since the moment i accepted myself. I believe by accepting myself, I'm accepting what i'm meant to do with my life. I truly cant explain the changes but I know I was put on this earth to change lives. I know that my goals in life will be accomplished by believing in who I am becoming. 

“Lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at you.”

- David Brinkley

The day you accept yourself is the day you accept your past, struggles and most of all future. Its the day you find the beginning of a life you can direct. It is becoming a part of a society that consist of you. You can accept yourself more, if you accept thats it is ok being alone.. The best company you can have is your own.